Parts are Painful

 In Relationships, SHIFT

There are so many parts to me, and sometimes they are all hurting at the same time. I am not whole anything. But I cannot deny any part. Sometimes one part aches more than another. That day I am only Indian. Or that day I am German. Or I am Irish. Today I am Indian. My parts seem to war against each other. Sometimes I am the oppressor while also being the oppressed.

I read stories of any of the tribes, and I feel profound sadness. My rage turns to tears, and back again to stone. They must not see us cry. We have bought the white man’s lie, I rage. And I turn to realize I am the liar.

It would be so easy to hate if the enemy would just stand still. With all the twisting and turning, I can’t separate myself from the tormentors.

The battle cry across the nation is to make war on behalf of the downtrodden, but not if you are Indian. What is that all about? They have pushed us into a corner where we cannot survive, where there is no hope, and they are amazed that we are hopeless.

We self-medicate, self-mutilate and kill each other in drunken stupors. We teach our children to sing our songs, dance our dances. We rip and tear our own flesh that we could suffer in their stead. But we cannot spare them. There is no place for them. The long tooths are disappearing, and the songs are dying off the land.

I wish I could just choose to not be what I am. Deny parts. Parts mean nothing. I am not whole anything, so I am nothing. No. I am all that I am. I am all those who came before.

We are the children who are scattered. We are not on the land nor is the land in our hearts. We are confused by the assimilation. There is a shadow of a memory that calls to us to return to a place, a time that is no more. We are among them, and they are mingled in us.

We do not need fire, firepower or even fire water to destroy this people. We just need to deny their existence. They can only survive if they are willing to put on our clothes, talk our talk, come to our conference tables. We cannot see them if they don’t. They no longer exist if they do.

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