Toeing the Line

 In Aging, Balancing, Facing Reality, Musings, Quick Thoughts, Transition

toe the line


 

How I do hate lines. Lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Danger lines. Lines drawn in the sand. I try to not cross these markers, but why do I find myself hanging out right at the line, defiantly, as if the danger doesn’t apply to me. Of course, I’m more special than that. The warnings are not for me.

 
How much can I eat, how yucky can I eat and not lose my health, not gain unwanted weight. Sometimes I feel like I’m my own science experiment. It often feels like it’s very objective, not really abut me, not personal.

 
With a lot of hard work, which included a whole lot of denying myself, I lost a significant amount of weight. Then, after basking in the resultant slimmer body and better blood sugar and lower blood pressure, alternately I found myself playing with how much I could get away with in eating and still not upset my numbers.

 
Well, that’s a trap ready to snap. Before I knew it everything was out of whonk, yes, that is a real word! Better descriptive words are today’s computer-generated terms—garbage in, garbage out.

 
Got to love epiphanies! Somehow this weekend I was able to see myself more clearly. I am sure there is some deep-seated psychological reason for why I sabotage myself, but frankly, I don’t have to unravel all that to change. Just seeing that I tend to hang as close to the fire as possible, thinking I won’t get burned, is a revelation to me.

 
The path needs to be, how little can I eat to maintain health. Can I take one bite of a “forbidden” delicacy and not get hooked. (We all know the answer to that one!) Likewise, how many days can I exercise in a row? Can I at least get to the gym five days a week regardless of how much time I spend there? Can I use those barbells by my bed every night before retiring? Can I take my dog for a walk every day, rain or shine?

 
These are the key questions. They are coming from the positive side of the spectrum. Hanging by the line has always proved devastating. I think I’ll try seeing how far from the line I can get instead. The line is actually a lifeline. God is trying to save me from myself.

 

– Shari

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