Ep. 27 – Phoenix – Landing on Love
Grief’s a pretty sinister emotion. Doubt and fear are like a cruel blanket dampening even the smallest ray of hope. I don’t know how people make it without the Lord. It’s that I know God watches out for widows, that He wants to have his love fill me—that is what sustains me.
I remember the way I experienced grief after my mother died. I was so concerned that I would shake it prior to the birth of my husband’s and my first grandbaby together, Corey. I knew that the newborn would somehow sense my pain, and I was worried I might stunt his emotional growth. Perhaps a fanciful thought, but it seemed real to me. Grandbabies look to grandparents for that unconditional, magnanimous love. I felt so closed off to giving or receiving love. I prayed in earnest for release as the due date for the birth loomed.
And God was good. I was able to look into that perfect little face with the deep brown eyes and exude the love of God.
And now it is 12 years later and I am watching my daughter-in-law’s belly grow. I want so much to be more healed from losing my husband, the grandpa. I seem to be able to convey enough love to the existing grandkids as I grieve, but I have the perhaps irrational fear again that this newborn will find me out. I believe they are coming straight from the center of God’s love. Their entry into this world needs to match what they have known.
I wish I knew a way to hasten the process so I can be assured of my spirit radiating God’s love to this new little boy. I guess all I can do is consciously soak up God’s love for me, and also to bask in the love of my kids and grandkids. I need to be filled to overflow to be that landing pad of love our new little arrival deserves.